I always knew I wanted to have more than one child. I have a brother who was born 14 months after me and every memory from my childhood has him in it. When we used to fight, my mom would say, “Friends and boyfriends will come and go, but your brother will always be your brother. He is the only person who will always be there.” And, while it’s a little bit of a dismal way of looking at it, it definitely was the truth. I loved picking on my brother in some cases and sticking up for him in others. I loved working together to get our parents to let us do things. I loved tricking him and goofing off with him. Having a sibling made my childhood what it was.
My husband, on the other hand, is an only child. He played with his cousins and neighborhood kids. And he loved it! If you ask him if he missed having siblings or ever wished he had one, he’ll tell you straight up, no. He had his cousins that he was close to. Good enough for him. But it’s not the same thing.
So, here we are, 2 months(ish) away from meeting our second little boy, and I’m terrified. Not of labor or holding a newborn or the logistics and uncertainty of it all, like I was last time around, but of handling Ryan and this baby, from an emotional standpoint.
You know, when I wasn’t pregnant with this babe, I would hear people talk about how they were so surprised that their heart grew to accommodate another baby. I remember thinking, “Yeah, obviously. It’s not like you have one kid and the rest have to fend for themselves..” Okay, well now I’m eating my words (thoughts?). Because I truly worry about it. I love Ryan so much more than I ever thought I would.
But you know what I worry about even more? Ryan feeling sad or left out because the attention isn’t on him. Seriously, as I type this up my heart is hurting and I’m tearing up. I spend every single moment of Ryan’s waking day with him. The longest I’ve ever been away from his has been 2 hours when he was just a few months old and I had a dentist appointment. No one but Alex has ever watched him. He’s always my number one. He knows no other life than it being Ryan’s World 24/7. How on Earth is he going to take his entire world changing in less than a day? How will he handle me staying in a hospital overnight, without mommy to hold him in the middle of the night when he wakes up. (Also, hormones are no joke because I’m a hot mess writing this.)
I know that giving Ryan a sibling – a brother – is the best gift I will ever be able to give him. I know that, I really do. But I can’t help but feel a little guilty when I think about how unprepared he is for this. He’s still too little for me to explain that Mommy and Daddy still love him more than anything, that this little thing that won’t.stop.screaming and is taking Mommy’s attention is the best thing to ever happen to him. He just won’t get it, and that breaks my heart all over every time I think of it.
So, yes, I’m unbelievably excited to meet our little boy and become a family of four. I can’t wait to see them interact and play and fight and grow up together. I love that we’re giving Ryan his forever best friend and partner in crime. But I can’t help but have a little bit of a heavy heart when I worry about my little boy on the outside and the changes coming his way.
Do you have more than one kiddo? How was the transition? Do you have a sibling? If not, have you ever wished you did? Let me know in the comments!