Happy Thursday, my friends! I’m pretty pumped up because that thing I vaguely mentioned yesterday is happening and I’m so EXCITED. But I’m going to save it for Friday Favorites because it’s for sure my favorite! (Again, it’s actually a really boring thing, unless you’re me. Not pregnant.)
Also exciting – it’s time for this month’s Seeking Advice! Seeking Advice is my monthly series where I ask you all for your advice on a sticky parenting topic, and then post the answers a week later. You can check out past Seeking Advice posts here: Bad Language, Stranger Danger, Money
As parents, there are so many questions we may have and for the most part, for each question, there are a million different answers. So where do you start? How do you determine what is the “right” answer? For me, the answer is research and ask around – which is what this new series is going to be for.
Once a month, I ask a question to all of you about an aspect of parenting that is all shades of gray. I’ll ask the question(s), give my own opinion on the matter, and then leave it to all of you lovely people. My hope is that the comments section of this post will fill up with helpful, supportive comments that reflect a number of different points of view. After a week has passed, I will then compile the most helpful comments into one post called, “Advice Found: [insert topic here]”. If you are a blogger, I will include a link back to your blog so that if someone really identifies with your view on something, they can hop over and learn more about you. If you have written a post on the topic in the past, feel free to leave it with your comment – I may link it up! This post will go up on a Sunday, so the Advice Found for this post will go live on August 14. I hope for this series to become a resource for myself and others trying to navigate parenting and life, and a place where we can all be honest, open, and accepting.
I also want to note – if you do not have children, THAT IS FINE! You undoubtedly have an opinion on the topic – someone raised you, and they did XYZ while doing it. What’s your opinion on it? How did you parents handle it? How do you expect others’ children to behave in regards to the topic?
That being said, any negative, rude, or hurtful comments will be deleted without notice. I want everyone to feel comfortable expressing views and opinions without feeling judged or criticized. So let’s get to it!
I was 10 years old on September 11, 2001. Sitting in my fifth-grade class, other kids started being called down to the principal, their parents waiting to take them home. No one had any idea what was happening, but we were all eager and hoping our names came next – I mean, who didn’t want to go home early?
Eventually, we learned what had happened – I remember my friends coming over because their mom had to work and my dad watching them. I remember my dad having to go out for something and having a complete meltdown because I was sure that my tiny town of Somerville, New Jersey was next. I remember a gut wrenching fear whenever we heard military planes overhead. I remember being scared, confused, and angry. I was ten, and the world was coming to an end.
Obviously, that’s not what happened, regardless of how it felt at the time. But to a kid, the terror splashed on the news, the constantly playing videos of towers falling, the unending list of missing and dead – it all sounded horrifying. It felt like there was no more good in the world. It felt like I was next.
And here I sit, almost 15 years later wondering when my own children will feel that empty fear. Not if but when. It’s the sad, sad truth that the world we live in is terrifying. Every other day a horrible news story about death and hate and terror is paraded across the TV, uncaring about what impressionable, innocent minds may be in earshot. How am I supposed to navigate this? When my boys are sitting on the living room couch, crying because they’re scared about the horrible things in this world, what am I supposed to say?
And you know what? For this month’s Seeking Advice, I have no idea what my opinion of plan of action is, like I usually share. I feel so unprepared, because like I shared in my post What to do When the Scary World Gets to You I myself am scared of this world. I myself and searching for a way to comfort myself in this scary world. So I have no idea.
This month, I’m asking you to share your ideas, opinions, and advice on how to handle children and tragedy. How do you approach tragic topics with your children? Do you address it before they encounter it? How do you reassure them in times of uncertainty? I want to know before I have to wing it.
As always, please leave your advice in the comments and check back in on August 14 to see my favorites for this month’s Advice found.
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heather @Lunging Through Life says
This is a very hard topics. I want to shield Annabelle from the awful world we live in but yet she will have to know about this stuff, too. I definitely think I’ll be downplaying things until she is old enough to understand. I didn’t know about 9/11 until I got home and even then I don’t think my mom told me how bad it really was. In the end, do our children need to know every little detail and be scared? I think there is a time and place to share them, like if it’s going to effect their life. For instance, if it’s something close by and they can’t go somewhere alone because of it (future talk…). So sad that our world is coming to see awful tragedies as quickly as we are.
Julie @ Running in a Skirt says
Ohhhh… you touched on such a hard time. I’m dating myself here, but I was just barely out of college in my first apartment all by myself living in Macon, GA by myself. I was working in my first news job and went to work right away. Such a crazy day.
I wish we could put kids in a bubble to keep them away from all this scary stuff, but that’s probably impossible!
Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday says
This is so hard. I was in first grade (I believe) on 9/11, and my parents kept me pretty informed about the whole thing. I mean, I knew about terrorists and the plane crash and heightened security. And war. I was an anxious kid (and I’m an anxious 20 year old), and I didn’t understand how terrorism worked, so I thought our house would be the next target. I was scared, but my family and I talked about it a lot, and that helped. I could always ask questions, and while I know my parents were annoyed when I was too scared to go down to the basement alone, I was never made to feel stupid.
I had no idea at the time that parents wouldn’t tell their kids these kinds of things. We had to write journals in school, and I know I wrote about 9/11 and shared it with the class. Kids who didn’t know about 9/11 went home and asked their parents questions. I was asked to not share such journal entries with the class again.
As a kid, I couldn’t understand how you could NOT know or want to know what’s happening in the world. Now, I think about my cousins and I simultaneously want to shield them and tell them everything. And though my time to have kids is a little while away, I like to think I would tell them about tragedies, open space for questions, and make sure we don’t dwell on it too much. That’s how I approach it myself. I learn and I’m sad and scared, and then I turn the channel or read something light. I have no idea if that’s the right thing to do, but I’ve gotten okay at compartmentalizing and it works.
Emily says
This is something that is so hard Morgan, and I often take my worries and share them with my parents. The most comforting thing is that they always remind me to take the anxieties to God in prayer, knowing that it will be worked out eventually and to keep hoping, because a world without hope is so dark.
I’m thankful that each opportunity has been a reminder from my parents to keep hoping, to keep hoping in God’s promises and care, or else I’m not sure what I would do.
Jessie @ The Acquired Sass says
I think sharing or not sharing probably has to do with how emotionally developed your kid (s) are. I think tragedy is a lot easier if it can be tied to a feeling, it makes you sad, or mad, or scared, or all 3. And to recognize that tragedy comes at all levels, 9/11 was a national (and I would argue worldly tragedy) – same with any other large scale terror attack. But that the sudden death of a loved one is more of a localized tragedy, the same way a flood might be.
I think by showcasing different tragedies as the kiddos become old enough to understand and process + showing examples of good that shine through. Neighbors helping each other, volunteers going and helping rebuild after a flood, or a country coming together after something like 9/11, that there is good everywhere, and that when the emotions seem overwhelming that’s something to focus on.
But, I think there are 5 year olds that could handle this type of stuff, and 10 year olds that couldn’t. I think it’s a really personal parental decision.
Michelle says
With younger children limiting the amount of time the television is on is a good idea because kids pick up a lot from listening to that. With older children it depends on their level of comprehension of the things of the world. Like most parents, modeling good behavior and teaching morals always wins. Be the example. They see parents degrading others, calling names, talking trash, they think it is okay and can’t always differentiate between what you are doing to others and what others are doing.
Sarah @ Sweet Miles says
I was in 7th grade math class and remember seeing the second plane hit the second tower because our principal has sent an email out to the faculty and my teacher had turned on the tv real quick! I randomly went home sick later that day too, ironically, but I remember sitting in the living room with my mom watching the tv and hearing her call friends and family. I think a lot about how I will protect Adeline from this awful, awful world we live in. I think a lot too about what my own parents did, and what I keep coming back to is this – bad things are always going to happen, and it’s naive to think I can protect her from everything. But what I can do, is teach her that this world is not our home, and this too shall pass. I think when it comes to a tragedy, it’s dependent upon the situation – I hope and pray that I can discern how and when to tell my children things, and HOW to tell them, but I think it’s a waste of energy to try and think about it ahead of time because we aren’t even promised tomorrow.
Kristy from Southern In Law says
I am SO interested to read the responses on this as this is something I keep wondering with all of the awful things happening in the world at the moment .
On September 11 we were actually in the US on vacation. I woke up as a 9 year old in a Disneyland hotel only to find my parents glued to the television watching what I thought was a movie. I tried to hurry them up because I was desperate to get into the park early to ride Pirates of the Caribbean only to be told that we wouldn’t be going anywhere – Disneyland was closed. I can still remember how quiet it was because EVERYTHING stopped. No planes, no rides, candlelit vigils, people in panic, my Mum on the phone to the airlines to find out if we’d even be able to get home as flights were cancelled for days.
I don’t know what my parents actually told me but I think at 9 I understood it all myself and I was terrified – especially because my Dad was actually supposed to be on that second flight, but the day before he had changed his flights to get to Disneyland a day earlier so he could be with us (he was in the US for a work conference and that’s why we were there!). I don’t think I knew that until we got home but once I knew that I became realllyyy aware of death. I was terrified of something happening to my parents and would have nightmares where I’d have to wake up and find them before I’d settle down.
My Mum actually stopped me watching the news as she was worried about me, however, she quickly realised that whilst she could try to protect me at home – I was going to hear things from kids at school because their parents had a different approach.
Mamaguru says
The fact that we can decide when and how our children are introduced to topics such as war and terrorism is evidence of a privileged position in our world. I don’t mean that to make anyone feel guilty, but to remember that millions of other families actually live in these conditions. Children can and do learn about the horrors of the world at very young ages. Because elementary schools teach about terrorism (Patriot Day) and things like slavery (Abe Lincoln), I think it’s ok to let children understand a bit of what is happening in our world. Here are the guidelines I use.
1. Telling a child something is very different than letting the news media tell your child something. Visual images are extremely powerful, especially for little ones and we never know what is going to pass over the screen. That can create nightmares that are hard to shake. It is best to choose appropriate language while you personally explain a situation. That may mean you can get drawn into the news yourself.
2. I wouldn’t share something that seems too close to home for them, like telling a first grader about the first-graders killed at school in Connecticut. If it could make a child feel unsafe, it should wait.
3. Kids don’t need to know every single bad thing that happens, but if the story is large enough that they will hear about it from friends or in school, parents should take the lead in explaining it to children.
4. Tie it into a larger discussion about your values. If you have a faith, make connections for children so they can understand and appreciate how to make sense of the world. There is a famous Mr. Roger’s quote about looking at all the people helping when something happens.
JeeYoung W says
Wow. I can’t believe how much time has passed. I was a senior in high school when 9/11 happened, and that day is forever ingrained in my memory as I’m sure it is for so many others. We do try to limit screen time with our oldest and plan to for a while. I avoid the news these days, I can’t even imagine our young kids seeing so much of bad and sad in the world today. 🙁 Thank you for writing such a thoughtful post and creating this outlet!
beth kelley says
What a great topic to be discussion. You don’t want to isolate but yet you need to protect. I think it depends upon the age of the child. Children take cues from us as parents. They we react and handle situations will determine how they will handle situations. I think the key is being calm and using wisdom and not watching the new on TV.
Brittany says
It’s very very tough. We find ourselves in this situation a lot these day. I find myself teetering a line of wanting to shield my kids but also wanting to make them aware of what is going on.
Stacey L Nash says
An interesting and timely topic. It’s important to talk to children about tragedy. As parents, we have a responsibility to help learn how to process the, sometimes scary, messages they get from the news. Even if you shield them from an upsetting news event, they will eventually hear about it at school or in half-whispered conversations by adults.
It’s better for them to learn what happened from their parents. They don’t need to know all the details but just enough to understand what people are talking about. How much that is will depend on your child and how old they are.
I wrote a blog post about this very topic http://www.lovelearningforlife.com/2016/06/15/talking-about-tragedy/. I included links to several helpful resources as well.
Mal says
Honestly, honesty. Children are not nearly as unaware as many adults try to make them out to be. They pick up on everything from body language to stoney silences. In many instances not talking things out with children leads to confusion and possible a misunderstanding of your behavior. For example they may even be under the impression that they did something wrong. Another thing to note is that when kids know they are being shielded from something, it makes them that much more likely to try to figure it out on their own…Curiosity and cats and all that jazz. In cases of tragedy I think it is best to sit down with your children and be honest. That way any questions that they have can be addressed by you and they will know that they can trust you to be honest with them. This will (hopefully) in turn help them to realize that they can be honest with you and build a mutual trust and respect. <3
Lisa @ Fun Money Mom says
My daughter is almost old enough to start noticing when these things happen. I think I’m just going to talk to her as honestly as possible but try not to make it too scary because she’s so sensitive. Thanks so much for sharing with us at Share The Wealth Sunday. This is a great topic because there really is so much going on that we have to talk to our children about it, but on their level.
beth @ SmallBites Wellness says
These comments were great to read through – love this sort of discussion, especially as I’m a FTM and I know this sort of thing will unfortunately need to be addressed at some point. Thanks for sharing with Simply Natural Saturdays.